One of my Oldest Pieces..

This was written for my first boyfriend. I think i wrote this in year 2003, when I was still struggling with my subjects in college..looking back at those experiences actually causes me to laugh now..I really learned a lot from it, and thank God we ended up as good friends.

Here it goes..

He walked towards the locked door, unlocked it and slammed on his way out. He's gone.. he went away with somebody else, with one of my closest friends. I was left alone with a tear in my eyes and pain in my heart..

There are truckloads of mess piled up on my study table that night-my unfinished plates in drawing, my 20-item unsolved problems in geometry and my homework in chemistry.My aunt had called me for a dinner but my empty stomach doesn't want to be filled. I just said "busog pa po..." I heard her say 'ang payat-payat na nga di pa kumakain, mamamatay ka diyan sa ginagawa mo'. I whispered "I wish I did.."

The phone rang. I hurriedly went towards the telephone. I was very eager to know who called. I wished it was him.. I hoped it was him.. I prayed it was him who called to say he's changing his mind. That he still needs me. That he still loves me. When i reached the phone I hurriedly lifted it. The voice on the other line was unfamiliar and he was looking for my cousin. My cousin laughed at me while saying "Pahiya ka no? Akala mo naman kasi laging sa'yo".

Feeling disappointed, I went back to my room and seated in front of the mirror. I stared at myself and uttered "asa ka pa.."

I took a deep breath. But I couldn't help it, tears were all surging on my cheeks. 

I remembered how was it like during the first time I entered the university. I didn't like the place. I never dreamt of studying there.  Until such time I got used to it.

One time my instructor in P.E. grouped the class into 5 groups. The grouping was based on our seating arrangement. Seating beside me was a chinky-eyed, fair-skinned man, about 6 ft tall. "Tsk.. tsk.. kagroup ko yung masungit na intsik.." The group i belonged was always commended. We were tagged as the 'best group' in class. Courtesy of him. He always had his good ideas-it made me notice him.

Chemistry is one of my fave subjects. I would go to one corner of the room, away from my classmates just to listen as attentively as I can. But one time, during our chemistry class, he sat beside me. He asked me if I could make him a poem. I said "ok" and hoped he would stop but to my surprise, he talked, talked and talked. That was the very first time I missed taking notes from my chem class-the very first time I allowed somebody to interrupt me from listening. It all started there. We began to call each other at night and talk until dawn.

One weekend, we were at one of our classmate's house, doing our homework in drawing. He handed me a piece of paper. On that paper was written "I love you.."

..I was speechless..

Few weeks later while waiting for our professor for the next subject, one of my friends asked me in front of the class and in front of him if I love him too. Cornered, I looked at him. He was busy manipulating his calculator, as if nothing was happening. My friend asked me the question again. I didn't know where I got the courage to say "oo". Everybody yelled. I saw him looked at me. I saw him smiled..

I smiled for a while but the fact that I am losing him kept my tears pouring. That day was one of the darkest days in my life. That was the day when he said the nerve-wrecking words. The very day he asked me to let him go. I've got no idea, but I had let him leave without asking why.

Two weeks later I learned from a friend that he was courting somebody else. Someone who happened to be one of my closest friends. The news had really hollered my nerve. I was in deep pain.

Since we were on the same class, I saw how happy they were together. I saw how they giggled. I saw how tight he hugged her. I saw how he cared for her. I saw how he loved her. A month ago, I was on that girl's place. I was the one being taken cared of.

I was totally shattered. My studies were even neglected. He was all I needed. And I wanted him back.

He's generally good in class but he seldom does his homework and projects. Whenever I learn that he was not able to do them, I would secretly do the stuff for him.Everybody was pushing me to move on but I chose to stay there and wait for him. I had loved him so much and I had been more than willing to forgive him and accept him back.

2 long years had passed. I got tired of waiting. I eventually accepted that he's not really meant for me.

I learned that it is sometimes easier to let go than to hold on...

I learned that it is harder to move on when you are actually digging yourself deeper into the situation you're in..

I learned that you shouldn't fit yourself to a small-sized t-shirt when you actually have an extra large body..

I learned that when you are trying to wait for the person you're not sure would come back, you are actually hurting yourself with a sharp-edged knife--and the longer you wait, the more painful it will be..

I learned that closing his chapter in my life would not mean it's the ultimate end. It actually opened a new one...(=';'=)